Whoreology...The Beginning

 

Many friends ask me, "Angie, how does one know if he or she is a jewelry whore?"  This is a fundamental question that has to be answered to properly identify this highly specialized individual.  I mean, sure, many people appreciate jewelry on others, but do not wear it personally.  Some people wear it to parties, but then take it off and forget where they put it. Some people wear it in private, but do not dare to be seen with it in public.  Some even wear it on a dare, afraid to be belittled by colleagues and friends.  However, there is a significant point in time when the individual passes the jewelry store of no return, where he or she crosses over to the "Sparkly Side."This state of mind is where one piece of jewelry becomes a collection; where one small, ornate jewelry box from your dead Irish great grandmother has grown to the size of a NASCAR rolling tool cabinet; where cleaning your jewelry used to take a few moments and now takes Saturday afternoon; and where  once you had  money to go out to a nice lunch with friends, but now realize it is better to LOOK good than to feel good!

 

I have assembled some pertinent questions that will helps narrow the ranks of these chosen few.  They include:

 

 1) Did you choose your spouse by the size of the engagement ring?

 2) Do you still cherish your wedding set, but luckily the spouse left?

 3) Is the phrase..."Trade in, trade up," your personal mission statement?

 4) Did you plan your children's birth to create a pleasing color palette for your mother's ring?

 5) Did you name your children/pets after famous jewelry stores?  (i.e. Tiffany, Cartier, Mr. Harry Winston)

 6) Do you always pick your jewelry first for any day/event and then your clothes?

 7) Do you always put on a piece of jewelry before leaving your home instead of taking a piece off?

 8) Do you use jewelry to define the important moments of your life?(If left up to you, every moment of your life.)

 9) a. Do you have a personal bench jeweler?

     b. Are you on a first name basis?

     c. Do you know his/her personal hobbies?

     d. Do you know their family?

     e. Do you receive holiday and thank you cards from their jewelry store. (These cards will include phrases like..."We couldn't do it without you!")

10) Have you ever said that a piece of jewelry was too big or gaudy?

11) Have you ever felt overdressed?

12) Does your spouse/significant other realize every holiday is a jewelry purchasing opportunity? (This question includes days like Clergy Appreciation Day, Administrative Professionals Day, Boxing Day...you get the idea.)

13) Is jewelry shopping your cardio-circuit training?

14) Is retail jewelry television shopping your idea of "reality" programming?

15) If loving any of this is wrong...do you want to be right?

 

There is no need to supply the answers or add up any scores.  Every self-respecting jewelry whore knows the correct responses!  Being a jewelry whore is not a choice my friends.  I feel that someday, medical science will show that we were born this way! Fly your flags proudly.  Long may the Scarlet W wave.